Like the Village people we went west, but not with a funny walk like they did obviously… too much money spent on nappies goes to prove that one! That was myself, Sj, Cooper. The journey was completely, totally boring.. nothing happened at all… well ok, Coopers Almera Gti got into a little race with a Golf Gti… I believe the outcome uses the word “wasted” on the part of the rapidly diminishing size of the Golf in the rear view mirror. The Almera had been improved by the ever willing hands of Cooper, so being somewhat quicker than a well KY Jellied strap-on at a lesbo sex fest. During this little incident myself and SJ, following in the Granny V6, found our bum cheeks clenching tighter than a lemming that’s clinging on to the cliff after realising that his mum and dad were actually rabbits. This was due to a completely mad nutter in a VW Polo who decided to continue crossing two lanes filled with somewhat quick, side-by-side metal… somehow the guy in the Polo managed to give his motor just that little extra shove on the pedal to avoid being completely wiped out by the two cars. Cooper being the man, or was that insane fool, that he is didn’t touch his brakes once as the Polo scooted across in front of him… thus our cheeks gripped our seats…

So we arrived in Weston-Super-Mare at last , riddled with rozzers, and queuing traffic… great queues of it. Apparently this had already improved as earlier that day it was backing up onto the Motorway!. Glad we didn’t arrive any earlier.

Once in the event, we found ourselves lead onto a big field, this was due to the bigger than expected turn out… several thousand more cars than planned for!.

On entering the event we discovered that we were in the right place.. sexy babes on our right, some walking around… as well as Mental Motors babe of 2002, Tracey Lankshear, chatting over the sound system. So our mission was to walk round the stands, and cars and take note of the best and worst of the show, we did.. and the photos show the results.. a lot of each!. Someone had gone to the trouble of adding a Escort Cossie body kit, and rear whale tail to their escort. All sprayed up and everything… so good you’d think? Well … no.. they forgot the wheels.. ok I suppose they could have been stolen or something, but the car was a five door so that was scary enough, but these were standard 1.4 escort wheels on cossie arches.. not good! Others had committed the small wheels in big arches sin, as the pictures show. But the worst, or should I say best of the worst was a highly “modded” Polo… I knew that Weston-Super-Mare was renowned for its sea front, and its ripples.. but the body work on this car had more ripples that the whole of the pacific ocean.

But there were some mental bits of kit there that day, such as a gorgeously done Honda CRX, it was so sexy I would have quite happily been seen cruising the streets in its mental green bodywork.. very nice! The Max Power project car was in attendance and it looked cool with its bike can silencers and silly paint job… give it to me now!

As for women, well there could have been more, but there was enough to keep mine and Coopers (don’t tell his missus) tongues hanging out for most the day… Boobs out for the lads, and the more covered up… (sob!) And of course Tracey, on the big screen making her exceptional figure look so much better… We had a chat back stage, and she told us that she’d been pretty nervous, but was really enjoying herself, so good to hear!.

The Competitions that happened were cool, silly people doing silly donuts, mostly in chopped up mini’s weird.. but funny.. then we moved onto Burnouts, why doesn’t anyone ever change gear when they are attached to the big ropes? They could get much better burnouts if the ever changed out of first … haven’t they ever seen a bike burnout? 160mph on the spot.. all gears used goodbye tyre in style! That’s the way to do it as Punch would say had he been there. Mind you judging by the prices of some of the wayward traders, he was indeed lurking in their wagons selling hotdogs… some heard of over £6 … but these were not the prices agreed by the Weston Wheels organisers, Tristan and Rosey, these dodgy cowboy merchants quietly upped the prices and screwed people over. Never fear, the organisers have vowed not to let these people attend next years! As far as the tyre burning is concerned Cooper reckons we should bring a Mental Motors car down and show them how to do it properly. But to be fair, we loved it.. great fun!

Ok, more on the competitions, show and shine was worth a look, I know a very nice cossie won one of the awards.. lovely…best lit motor? These were so cool… I’m sorry our pics are all shaky.. we forgot the tripod! Ooops! I just wanted to get home and add every light bulb I could find to my car… didn’t have many though and candles don’t work as well, they tend to blow out as soon as you move off. And they’re bloody lethal after a kebab and a curry late at night I can tell you. Needless to say they saved the best for last, Mr Pecs of Weston, and Miss Weston Wheels. We noticed how many people appeared for the second one of the two.. funny that? Including two dodgy blokes allegedly from a Magazine know as Fastcar, Tricky and Scary… nicely at the front you pervs.. ok I’m only jealous…

Lots of funbag excitement was to be had as the girls strutted their stuff, and all but one was quite happy to provide a miniature boob frenzy for us all. But how come none of the blokes in Mr Pecs could think up anything witty for the “favourite chat-up line” question that Tracey threw at them?… “ooh I just ask if they’d like a drink” what? Are you sad? Go sort your life out matey, you gotta do better than that… I think I’ll have to put my money where my mouth is next year, and force the girlies to stare at my hunky (?) body as I give a few of my classic “slap-in-the-face” lines…. “Hey, I’ve been watching you dance for a while, and you don’t sweat much for a fat bird”… “that dress looks great, but would look better on my bedroom floor”, “Hey call your parents love, you’ve pulled”, “How to you like your eggs in the morning? fertillised?” THWACK!

We reckon even though Tristan and Rosey had a hard time, they overcame the adversities and still provided us with a great day, I mean we travelled over 130 miles to the get there and we were not disappointed with what we saw.

For a fiver? How much fun can you have? At Weston Wheels you could have more fun than getting zipped into a sleeping bag with Tracey Lankshear for a week, actually probably not… Hmmm now there’s a thought, but yes awesome show!

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